Starring Paul Bettany and starting with the wiicked Samurai Jack animation, sets the scene for some 300 like action. I would be lying if I said this didn't make me like the movie already. The story goes that mankind and the Vamps had a war for 'years' and shit hit boiling point. After which mankind even with flame throwers was getting pwned, despite hitting the vampires mountain made mansions for target practice for theyre battleship like guns... in a world where they drive around in the desert on bikes that look and sound like Anakin Skywalkers speeder you would think that they had somthing bigger than a 50 cal?. Anyway to cut a short story longer... the only fix is a group called the 'Priests' a gang of peeps that rock hoodies and facial tats, again this was a plus in my books.
Anywho... not long after mankind gets rolled and ends up in a city with huge walls, the Priests become obsolete and then are forced to walk around the cty moping about the 'better days'... like 38 year old good charlotte fans reminicing bout the early two thousands.
The priest gets wild as anything when he finds out that his brother and niece got rolled by the Vampire nation, who are supposed to be repressed and living in reservations now. Re-enter Karl Urban... who once having been The Preists right hand brother aka Robert Downey with Tobey Maguire in 'Satans Alley' is now emo and for some reason is killing his daughter to get back at him or some sh#t? blah blah...The Church get pissed as sh#t when they learn that despite telling the Priest to NOT go out and slay Buffys mates he went and did it anyway. So they send the other Preists to roll em and teach em 'that to go against the church, is to go against God' the slogan they push harder than Coke does theyre own. One of them is the Priests old mate who was there when Karl Urban got pulled back into the darkness... all those years ago.
The Preist and his bro, aka Deputy/son-in-law go to one of the Native American reserves... sorry I mean skinhead vampires reserves, and after introducing themselves to the local Twilight fan club, end up stabbing and shooting up them and theyre 'Masters' who rock out to get rolled just after night falls... which is what the dude below is telling him now "its nearly night time bro, your f$%cked as bro"(below). but no.. "Wrong skinhead dying dude" they all get smoked by his ninja star crosses. Badass.
They then decide to go back to the mountain where Urban got the bash. After some snooping around and flashbacks to scenes of the last time the Priest was there he finds his old chick Priest mate from back in the day. She's all G with him and they end up rolling a 'Guardian' which is in essence a 'Big Ass Vampire' and reminded me of what the dude turns into in Underworld... that half-cast Vamp/Wolf thing.
It turns out that because the dumb Church anti vamp f#ckers did not get rid of that damn mountain... the Vamps decided to spawn a new army and roll the town closest. To do so they merely dug a massive hold toward the city, which all seems pretty logical. Although why in the f#ck would they not build a small hole to get the Massive @ss Vamp out? did they need him to check the twilight fan emails? its the simple things that get to me. Ah well... moving on...
So Karl Urban whips the Kungfu preist with a Mortal Kombat classic: Kano's heart rip. Which is pretty sweet esp after he does some epic moves in front of him... like a button masher on his last bits of life. He then asks the other two remaining priests whom represent the African American and Latino communities respectively, if they would join him? turns out that they said no... and by the time that The main Preist and his mates get to the town where Urban just laid the smack down... the other two Preists are pwned and now on crosses, which means they did said 'no?" you keep wondering whether they in fact did ask to join Urban? I think thats 'some rascist sh#t'... because of theyre nationalitys and African and Latinos deep connection to church... but also to gang culture I guess why this thought stirs. The could have been down with the dark side?,
After some 'touchy touchy' with the other chick priest and an epic moment watching a train the vampires have hijacked and are riding into the city. He nearly lets the Deputy Son kill him but then informs is his 'son in law' and they get on theyre Star Wars bikes and like Woody and Wesley 'on they way to hit the 'Moneytrain'. The Deputy gets the job of ticket collector and stumbles around the train looking for his Missus/the priests daughter. Meanwhile the priest ends up jumping on top of the train and finds Urban for a good old catch up. While the female preist sets some c4 on the tracks and lays the smack down on the biker gang from 'The Book of Eli' who were catching the train with the vampires coincidentally. favorite kill has to be another mortal kombat special... the old throw him in the air and blow him apart with the spear trick. Mean... Scorpion would approve.
The Preist meanwhile is still having the heart to heart with Urban although now it also involves a couple of casual punches and some ass whooping. After getting the 'Ali' punch to the face in slow mo, the priest ends up under the train, where he ends up pulling the Zombie floor bash and coming up right under the deputy... who looks stoaked to see him. Seeing as while The two priests have done some epic sh#t and all he has done was walk around the same part of the train for awhile I guess he should be stoaked too.
Urban takes the girl back to the top of the train... etc etc... other stuff pretty much the same happens aka Preist rolls Urban with the same cross Urban stuck him to the wall with... etc etc. I unlike a lot of people will leave the rest a mystery so that when u watch it, if you do... you do not have my dumb review commentary in your head... the entire time... will spare you the end. Good c#nt aye?
All up... chur, better than that dumb Angel Movie that he did, still on the Cristian buzz though. Far better than Doom for Urban, who by the way was once again a hybrid that nobody else had been before. Had some good comparisons to Equalibrium. Definatley a good watch... hard to pick how big the budget was, but they defiantly did pretty good sh#t with it. My only critique could be that I didnt see more different monsters... but I guess that Trollerjen and Lord Of The Rings are about the only series that really nails that one for me and that is THIS movie they probably would not have been explainable?.
Better Vampire Movie than a lot of them, reminded me also of Dantes Inferno crossed with Judge Dread with a sprinkle of Equilibrium and pinch of Constantine. Given that these are all projects I thought were 'the sh#t'... I thought this movie was f#$king mean.
downgraded from 9 mainly because of that other movie, Cowboys and Aliens... which just reminded me of this because Urban is Rocking a Cowboy hat:
solid story, nice direction... bit short, but epic fatalities for the win. Heres the trailer:
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